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Despite the pain in my bones, I went to work today after having my second injection of the medication to boost my white blood count. Some days I just feel tired. Not a physical tired but an emotional one. Today was one of those days.

I long for some type of normalcy in my life. I have moments of it, glimmers here and there. Driving the boy to school, fixing dinner, doing laundry, helping with homework, playing with short chic. Those daily task help keep the appearance that things are normal. But if anyone would look just beyond the surface they would see just how far from normal my life is right now.

Most of you stop at Quick Trip on your way into the office for your morning caffeine fix. I stop by the Oncologist Office to get my dressing changed, or my catheter flushed, or my daily injection.

When you talk to me, do you hear my voice crack as I hold back the tears that threaten to appear without notice?

Do you notice the dark circles under my eyes because I have developed insomnia and can't sleep because I think a lot about my mortality?

Does anyone else see how self absorbed I have become? Sometimes I actually forget that this is not just happening to me. It is also happening to Wayne's wife, Jacob's mom, Carol's daughter, your friend, your coworker.

As much as I desire normalcy, I honestly question whether or not it will ever return. I know I will battle Cancer and win. But, how can you walk this closely with a monster and not have it alter your life? How do you react to a swollen lymphnode after having had Hodgkins Lymphoma? How do you not freak out at every doctor appointment from here on out? 

These are lessons others have figured out. But, they are lessons I have yet to learn.


  1. You are an amazingly strong woman and your blog shows that even more than I already knew. You can do this... Hang in there my friend.

    It is sad to me that you would even consider yourself "self absorbed". You are definitely not!!!!!

  2. My thoughts are with you everyday girlfriend!

  3. Jennifer, There have been times during this process that I completely forget what is going on with others. i.e Jacob had surgery and was given an antibiotic. I totally forgot to give it to him and nearly gave him an infection.

  4. Pam you continue to inspire me!!!! I think you are amazing, and you do not give yourself enough credit. Remember there are no rules in battling cancer. You can cry, yell, throw things (maybe just not in front of children and try not to hit Wayne) as much as you want. You will continue to be loved by so many. You are truely Amazing!!

  5. Donna, thank you! I can honestly say I would not be able to do this without your help and support!

    Jennifer, Thank you! I needed those words!

  6. You are far from self absorbed! You have a serious illness to deal with and a wonderful support system to help you through this! Remember how strong you are! Come on, say it with me..."I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!"


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