I long for some type of normalcy in my life. I have moments of it, glimmers here and there. Driving the boy to school, fixing dinner, doing laundry, helping with homework, playing with short chic. Those daily task help keep the appearance that things are normal. But if anyone would look just beyond the surface they would see just how far from normal my life is right now.
Most of you stop at Quick Trip on your way into the office for your morning caffeine fix. I stop by the Oncologist Office to get my dressing changed, or my catheter flushed, or my daily injection.
When you talk to me, do you hear my voice crack as I hold back the tears that threaten to appear without notice?
Do you notice the dark circles under my eyes because I have developed insomnia and can't sleep because I think a lot about my mortality?
Does anyone else see how self absorbed I have become? Sometimes I actually forget that this is not just happening to me. It is also happening to Wayne's wife, Jacob's mom, Carol's daughter, your friend, your coworker.
As much as I desire normalcy, I honestly question whether or not it will ever return. I know I will battle Cancer and win. But, how can you walk this closely with a monster and not have it alter your life? How do you react to a swollen lymphnode after having had Hodgkins Lymphoma? How do you not freak out at every doctor appointment from here on out?
These are lessons others have figured out. But, they are lessons I have yet to learn.