Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Time to Say...Good-bye

When I got sick last year I felt a need to tie up loose ends. I had a few unresolved things I needed to resolve.  I had a few apologies to make from my past, and I had a few thank you's to give.

I took an inventory of my life and knew where I shined and when I did not.  I wanted to acknowledge my short comings. To those I was short to. Set things right, if you know what I mean. Clear the air.

So several of you heard from me. Thank you so much for listening to me.

There were two relationships I had really hoped to repair, or at least set on a different track. Both of them, were friendships I made when I lived in Colorado. I lost contact with each of them during a super deep, super dark part of my life, my divorce from The Boy's father. It was never that the relationships became unimportant to me, it was more of a matter of not knowing how to care for myself and just sinking inside myself.

I lost my own way for a few years. It was all I could do to survive. I was pretty needy back then. Probably for the first time in my life, I found myself taking from my relationships and not giving to them. I can say this now, I was sad. I was probably even clinically depressed. It took some time but I also got my groove back!

As soon as I was back on equal footing, I reached out to my two lost but important relationships. One was easy and quick. The other relationship was a bit harder for me. She moved around and we actually lost contact. My occasional attempts to locate her came up empty. Last year when I got sick, I vamped up my attempts to locate her and I got super lucky, I found her Momma. She at least told me where I could find my lost friend and after doing a quick Internet search I had her address and phone number.

I was finally able to reach out to both.

 In my head and heart I honesty expected her to answer back with an "it's okay, we all go through hard times, glad to have you back" type of response.  After all, it is what I would say. But the reality is far from different. I met with shut doors...doors made of steel.

I have fretted over these two relationships for a long time. I have prayed that things will be different. But that steel is strong and it has not moved. It has not given in the slightest.

I have an in-common friend with one of my lost relationships. We just recently spent time together and I swore I was not going to discuss this with her...again! But over drinks there I go, rehashing it and talking about it all over again. In the nicest way possible, my friend told me it was time to say good-bye (okay, maybe it took a 2x4 against my temple).

Sadly, I know she is right. So, I have spent the night mentally saying good-bye to these two relationships that once meant so much to me. It is especially hard for me to say good-bye because I just know that if the tables were turned, I would have treated them differently.

We do not get to always decide the course of our relationships. Sometimes others make decisions for us. The best we can do is make peace with the decisions of others.

8 comments:

  1. So hard for one to accept the end of a friendship. Praying for you.

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  2. I'm sorry for the loss, but as you know, they are the ones losing out. Be strong.

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  3. amen Pam -- hang in there!!!

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  4. Thinking about you Pam as I know this was a difficult decision. We can't control what others do or say but we can control what we do!! You did everything you could and so much more.

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  5. Hang in there...there are lots of reasons why people come and go and as you well know...we can't control them or make them see the light. Feel good about knowing you did what YOU could and it is their loss!

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  6. Huuuuggggs, that is always a hard thing.

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  7. Reading your blog made me think of a friend I no longer have contact with for no known reason to me. It will never make sense and I hope in time that I come to peace with her decision as you have, but none the less it doesn't make it any less painful. Cherish the friends you do have, and know you can count on them no matter what kind of day, week, month or year you are having!

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  8. Thanks for sharing. I completely understand what you were going through. At least you did your part. That's all you can do. We all have moments in our life where we would love to take back our actions. None of us are perfect and I will say, thank you for being my friend in good and naughty times.

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