I took an inventory of my life and knew where I shined and when I did not. I wanted to acknowledge my short comings. To those I was short to. Set things right, if you know what I mean. Clear the air.
So several of you heard from me. Thank you so much for listening to me.
There were two relationships I had really hoped to repair, or at least set on a different track. Both of them, were friendships I made when I lived in Colorado. I lost contact with each of them during a super deep, super dark part of my life, my divorce from The Boy's father. It was never that the relationships became unimportant to me, it was more of a matter of not knowing how to care for myself and just sinking inside myself.
I lost my own way for a few years. It was all I could do to survive. I was pretty needy back then. Probably for the first time in my life, I found myself taking from my relationships and not giving to them. I can say this now, I was sad. I was probably even clinically depressed. It took some time but I also got my groove back!
As soon as I was back on equal footing, I reached out to my two lost but important relationships. One was easy and quick. The other relationship was a bit harder for me. She moved around and we actually lost contact. My occasional attempts to locate her came up empty. Last year when I got sick, I vamped up my attempts to locate her and I got super lucky, I found her Momma. She at least told me where I could find my lost friend and after doing a quick Internet search I had her address and phone number.
I was finally able to reach out to both.
In my head and heart I honesty expected her to answer back with an "it's okay, we all go through hard times, glad to have you back" type of response. After all, it is what I would say. But the reality is far from different. I met with shut doors...doors made of steel.
I have fretted over these two relationships for a long time. I have prayed that things will be different. But that steel is strong and it has not moved. It has not given in the slightest.
I have an in-common friend with one of my lost relationships. We just recently spent time together and I swore I was not going to discuss this with her...again! But over drinks there I go, rehashing it and talking about it all over again. In the nicest way possible, my friend told me it was time to say good-bye (okay, maybe it took a 2x4 against my temple).
Sadly, I know she is right. So, I have spent the night mentally saying good-bye to these two relationships that once meant so much to me. It is especially hard for me to say good-bye because I just know that if the tables were turned, I would have treated them differently.
We do not get to always decide the course of our relationships. Sometimes others make decisions for us. The best we can do is make peace with the decisions of others.