Bear With Me: Please

Did you know that nearly 39,000 people a year commit suicide? It is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Directly and indirectly, my life has been touched by suicide three times. The most recent has been this week.

About three months ago, my professional path crossed with another persons. I had to make some professional judgement and stand by those which caused the other person to lose their job. That other person recently chose to end their own life. They left behind family: mother, father, siblings, children. And of course they left behind other people who were in their circle of friendship.

I feel a little selfish for feeling as distraught as I do. Selfish in the fact that I realize others are hurting way more than I am. Others have a right to be concerned more than I. Others have a closer relationship with this person than I did. In fact, I even acknowledge and honor that "others" might point a finger and blame me. They might say, I caused this. I helped push this person over that edge of no return.

There are two sides to me. The logical side and the emotional side. They are at war right now. My logical side knows that there were many problems there. That I did not cause this. My logical side knows that I made sound professional decisions. That my assessment skills were spot on. I even know that if I had it to do over again, I would make the same decisions.

However, my emotional side is screaming, "It did not have to be this way!" "This could have/should have been prevented." I keep thinking about children and family left behind. My heart is sad. My soul is injured.

My emotional side has captured the logical side and is holding it for ransom.

Nearly two decades ago, a person at the center of my circle chose to end their own life. I still carry the grief and guilt over not being able to prevent that decision with me. I know this factors into why this recent news is rocking my world so drastically. I know that unresolved grief will keep re-emerging. But let's be honest: unresolved grief and guilt is what we who were left behind must deal with on an ongoing basis.

Again, not my photo, I grabbed it from Google

I understand pain and making it want to go away. I would rather not feel any emotional pain, too. But we were not promised rose gardens and sometimes life does hand us some thorns. {Heck, I have been given thorns, rashes, and bee stings all at the same time.} There are tough decisions to make and you might feel like no one will like you or support you. But, I promise that is just not the case. Yes, today feels dark. But there is always the promise of sunshine!

If you are thinking about ending your own life, please talk to someone. Say the words out loud. Do not let them live in your head. Do not let them take root. As soon as you say them out loud they look differently.

To my friends, thank you for your support! I am sorry for one minute I let you think something was wrong with me. No, my cancer is not back. Yes, my children are healthy. Yes, my husband is still wonderful. I am just waiting for my logical side to come up with the ransom money to buy off the emotional side.

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My Weekend Project: A PVC Camping Lamp Post and Flag Holder

I have seen a few of these around campsites and I knew I would like to have one. The only problem that I had is The Husband. He already thinks we drag too much stuff with us when we go camping and if I had told him my desire to have a PVC Camping Light Pole he would have shut it down quickly! So, that leaves a girl with only one choice: Figure out how to do it by herself. I did some internet searching and found a few road maps on RV forums. They seemed easy enough! I visited the local hardware store for the supplies: An exterior post lantern light 2 inch PVC pipe (I used 5 feet but had to purchase a 10 foot piece) A 3 inch toilet flange A 3 inch to 2 inch Reducer PVC Glue A 12 foot electric cord kit 2 - 3/4 inch PVC Caps I also used a few supplies we already had on hand: White Spray Paint 3 1/2 foot - 3/4 inch PVC Pipe Drill Bits (1 inch and 1/2 inch) Tent Stakes The first step was preparing the lantern light. I could only find black i

Liver Cheese: A Family Tradition

Today is an anniversary date. One of those dates you wish you did not have to remember but there is no way you can forget. Fifteen years ago today,two days after his birthday, my father died of lung cancer. He was a lifelong smoker and his cancer was aggressive. His battle was short. He fought for six short months after his diagnosis. He knew the chemo was not working and that his time was limited. When he came to this realization he became the best dad in the world. In the days before my father's passing, my family shared some memorable moments. One of those moments centers around the deli meat: Liver Cheese.I would not be surprised if you have never heard of it, or even never tasted it. But I was raised on it as it was one of my Dad's favorite things. What is it? Well, it is a German food that is actually called Leberkase. It is bacon, corned beef, pork, and onion that is ground together and baked. It comes with a

Tonsillectomy (Warning Photos!)

The Short Chic came down with a pretty nasty case of strep throat back in April. So, when The Boy started complaining about his throat hurting about 12 days later, I was pretty confident that he had inherited his sister's strep. Instead, The Boy was diagnosed with a peritonsillar abscess growing on his right tonsil. We had to immediately see an ENT Physician who took a needle and drained the abscess. He removed about 5.5 cc of puss from The Boys throat.and then told us that once you have a peritonsillar abscess you were high risk to keep getting them. The Boy's tonsils were now compromised and needed to be removed. We were told to plan for a two week recovery so we worked a surgery into our summer plans. Between family vacations, summer sports, and the beginning of school The Boy had his second surgery. A tonsillectomy. Pre-surgery prepping went well. It must be nice to be young and have healthy veins for an IV! The Boy had lots of pre-surgery visitors. My

UnknownMay 22, 2012 at 5:39 PM
Pam, I don't know what to say except I'm sorry. You are a wonderful friend and social worker! No matter how this person crossed paths with you, I have no doubt your assessment was spot-on. Keep working on buying off your emotional side - in this case, your logical side is clearly the winner :)
AnonymousMay 22, 2012 at 8:21 PM
Your logical side is whispering what you already know: that no single thing tipped the scale, and what happened professionally was symptomatic of the problem, not the cause. But your caring side is louder. Grief and pain are loud and ugly. I wish you peace, Pam. --deb t.
SimoneyJune 10, 2012 at 1:39 AM
Wow, that must be really hard, especially since this has touched your life before.
Like the two commenters said before me, no ONE thing causes someone to take such a drastic action. Usually its a pile up of things, and a feeling of general hopelessness and the inability to see any way out.
Two people close to me made serious attempts. One was rescued in the nick of time, the other sadly was "successful". It sucks. And is never the answer.
And I think every single person who ever came across someone's path who ends it all, asks themselves "Could i have done anything to prevent this?"
I really hope you don't beat yourself up over this Pam.
Big hugs
from Simoney xx

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